9: Entrance to Escape, Exit to Exist (Journal w/Soundtrack)

I slept like garbage, mostly on the couch in the living room. My cats were up all night and they were even more disruptive than usual. It is normal for me to sleep five or six hours and then sort of half sleep until work at 6:45. There are many times I feel more awake at three in the morning than I do any other time in the day and yes, that sucks. I'll listen to music or read to fall back asleep, but this morning it was so hot I just sort of sat around. I was pretty tired when my alarm went off at 6:10, but I was only scheduled for a half day and felt fine when I got in the car to head to work.

Electric Frankenstein - It's All Moving Faster
"It's hard to make a living when it gets too hard to breathe."

I absolutely love my car. I have a relatively nice car for the first time in my life, I'm not using it as a garbage can on wheels, and my stereo is fucking loud. All of my favorite music sounds better when it is incredibly loud, and even at 6:30AM, once I'm out of my neighborhood, I'm rocking out. Amusingly, my drive to work is like five minutes. While it is a short party, I'm always fired up in at least one way by the time I arrive at work. Something like Electric Frankenstein is great because you can still hear two or even three songs on the ride and their energy is contagious.

*Cue the dancing bears

My weekdays all start with a 6:50 AM to 8:30 AM check-in process at the spay/neuter clinic I co-manage. We finish paperwork, do basic exams, and discuss surgery with up to thirty owners for around that many pets, in a very short amount of time. It was a chaotic scene before COVID; not because we weren't prepared or we didn't have good policies, but because people are nuts and so are animals. The whole thing is nuts, really, LOL! Now, with COVID, I am the absolute portrait of ridiculousness, literally running from car to car like a brain damaged drive-in attendant. mask on, sunglasses on, messenger bag overflowing with paperwork and clipboards, pens and sweat flying in every direction while dogs vomit and projectile shit, babies scream, cats somehow scream louder than the babies, and some lady is like, "HEY I WAS HERE FIRST!"....and "Popcorn" plays on a loop in the very front of my hazy, rattled mind.

Allie X - Focus
"When you love someone, the rest just falls away."

When you survive a great trauma with another person, you're bonded for life. When you do it six days a week, you're coworkers. The moment check-in is over, when the front parking lot is empty and there isn't a customer in sight, there's a dangerous feeling of satisfaction and completion. It's 8:30 AM and you think, "Well, I think that was a good day's work. I'll see you guys!" But, no, you have to calm yourself, and find focus with help from Allie X and a very long YouTube playlist of work appropriate, mildly positive, life-affirming pop music. And a tiny Mountain Dew. 

The Preatures - Somebody's Talking
"Now I'm walking away...but somebody's talking."

I spend about twenty-five hours a week as the front desk phone person of the clinic. Every job at the rescue is hard, and handling the public's demand on our clinic is my hard job. I'm constantly trying to protect our staff from the worst and most difficult aspect of the job. After three years, I've found the best way to do that is to be the person answering the phone Tuesday through Saturday morning. We almost always get more than a hundred phone calls a day, and on our busiest days we can average a phone call every three minutes from open to close. I usually have music on in the background quietly and I typically enjoy the mania and intensity that has to go into the job if you're trying to keep up. It is a good ego boost because people tell me all the time they can tell I do it a lot because I'm fast. That's what she said. So, call the clinic for all your spay/neuter/vaccine needs - just don't try to tell me about your kid or your uncle or your life because I will CUT. YOU. OFF.

Coalesce - Harvest of Maturity
"I've met that point in my life: want came to need."

I learned really early on that I wasn't going to be able to survive working in the clinic if I had to be there until almost 7PM every day. We have these absurdly long hours because that is what it takes to meet demand and if you work from open to close it tends to take a toll on you. I only know one person who has been able to handle it full time in the 3+ years I've been there...she's just Superwoman, no other explanation. Within my customer service team, we've shifted and compromised and rearranged so that we can all now work our desired number of hours but no more than twice a week does any one person work from open to close. One of the problems with working such a long shift is you lose that excitement and energy as the pets leave throughout the day - and sometimes you're left at work for hours just waiting for the last person to pick their pet up, which is terrible for morale. I always think of "Harvest of Maturity" by the punk band Coalesce when I look back on some of the craziest, longest, and most difficult "open to close days" I have had at the clinic, and of its screamed refrain: "Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again and Again." And now, when someone leaves happy at the end of a half or partial day, I feel really happy for them. 


CKY - 96 Quite Bitter Beings
"Footprints giving clues to where we are, all we ever wanted was an answer."

I've also been working from home on Mondays for awhile and continued that even after we were open again full time. When I have stuff I NEED to get done, it is better to be at home. When I'm at the clinic, there is always going to be twenty other things that need to be done and there is nowhere to hide from the staff - I've tried! Can there be any stranger feeling than your alarm going off at 6:59AM and still being able to get to work early for 7AM? Outside of those strange Monday mornings on our couch, I get home from work at a different time every day of the week Tuesday through Saturday. Depending on how work went, or how many errands I had to run on the way home, I'm either in a great mood or I'm hoping to get in one really quickly the minute I open my front door. The first thing I do when I get home is put on music, usually something I already like that'll put me in a good mood like an old CKY song or a punk mix. I have to get that going as quickly as possible because my cats are incredibly needy and it can take up to an hour to tend to just the first of their many needs of the evening. Even when Sara and I both have multiple projects going and are loving all of our hobbies, we frequently get bored with being a person and escape to spend time with the cats...if they'll have us. 

Thrice - Beyond the Pines
"I will meet you there..."

Once again depending on how work went, I typically like to spend at least an hour cleaning every day. None of the three women I live with are naturally inclined to care about the cleanliness of anything other than their own bodies...and those only sometimes! My wife does her fair share when she feels like it, but I've gotten a lot of enjoyment out of putting on some music or an Office episode and banging some random household crap out. Must be proof that my antidepressants are working. Don't get me wrong, I'm not on my fucking hands and knees scrubbing or anything, but I'm also not Jabba the Hutting while the garbage piles up. When I'm being productive around the house, I usually take a break from loud, fast music and listen to stuff like the new Thrice song. Stuff that is more contemplative and has more space. I don't have to have any original thoughts during this time, but occasionally I do. 

 The Great Old Ones - Of Dementia
"In a vertiginous roar - master, there you are."

I am just about to finish the book I'm currently reading, the second volume of the complete annotated H.P. Lovecraft. Annotated books are my favorite way to learn. For example, I learned more about Christianity from the annotated Letters of St. Paul than I did from all other sources on the subject combined. There's something about running footnotes that makes me feel like I'm actually understanding not just the work, but also the author and their intent. Lovecraft's intent, writing in the 1920s, was to weird people out. I'd always loved his blend of science fiction and horror, and rereading these stories with a better understanding of their background has been awesome. And, you guessed it, I always listen to music when I read, and of course there are several bands wholly dedicated to Lovecraft lore and mythos. After checking them all out, I can safely say if you only listen to one French Lovecraftian Black Metal band, it should be The Great Old Ones. 

The National - I Need My Girl
"I'm under the gun again..."

I'm incredibly lucky to have the family I do, and I usually feel that the most at the end of a long day. Through many years of struggle, I found a way to be happy alone, coming home to no one. I think it is because of that I've been able to get to where I am emotionally. I have no illusion of control - I know my cats could get sick, Sara could meet Rob Lowe and leave me for him (I get it), and of course something could even happen to...ME! But for now, life is good and I'm grateful for it. On top of countless blessings, at the end of the day, I get into a comfortable bed with a beautiful person I love dearly. At least one, sometimes two cats will come and visit me - or at least not protest too violently when I visit them. We will watch an episode of Law and Order: SVU and make fun of every moment. Then maybe a Community, after which we will discuss again if it is funny enough to keep watching or not. I'll fall asleep way before Sara and she'll fall asleep to something comforting and zany like Arrested Development or Parks and Rec. 

God willing, in another beautiful twist of the earth, I'll do it all again tomorrow. 

Lots of love to you, your family, and your pets :) 




Comments

Popular posts from this blog

4: Burning Questions (You Should Probably Get That Looked At)

21: The Beatles - Ranked and Rated

22: Why Can't I Stop Singing? (Top Ten Catchiest Songs)