13: Cult of Cyclopean Vision (Media Review III)

How much more meaningful sitting on one's ass watching television becomes when one has a blog.

I've felt at times both guilty and burdened when it comes to my bloggeristic calling, but this stuff isn't going to watch itself, people!

If I'm asking, my wife will officially only watch her ten favorite films from now on: Return to Oz, Labyrinth, The Dark Crystal, Hook, Twister, 28 Days Later, Train to Busan, and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy Extended Edition. Luckily for me she'll take recommendations from other people and we've been watching movies with our Madison movie club regularly. 

In a typical post-workweek bender, I signed up for the Hulu/Disney/ESPN streaming deal, which means Sara has access to all of her favorite shows she'd never admit to watching. I see it is as a necessary business expense and we now have our content bases covered indefinitely. Long live the fading light of youth!

Cape Fear (1991)
Rating: 4.8/10

Summary: Robert De Niro has a strange accent, murderous vendetta

As far as Martin Scorsese movies go, Cape Fear is utter dogshit. It's cheesy, the acting is hammy and over the top, the interpolation of film noir elements is awkward and ugly, and the film feels absurdly long at 128 minutes. It's not god awful, but I'd always recommend the Simpsons parody episode "Cape Feare" over this: it's only twenty minutes, it's painfully funny, and it does a beautiful and respectful job of recreating scenes and music from the film. It's season 5, episode 2 of the Simpsons if you're streaming, and so much better than this strange, knobby movie. 

Inside Man (2006)
Rating: 7.1/10

Summary: Ensemble bank heist, great acting, tolerable writing - call me, Jodie!

I knew very little about this movie going in, only that it had a wisecracking Denzel Washington and it was a Spike Lee Joint. I don't usually enjoy Spike's joints, so I was happy to see he only directed this one, it was written by someone else. The movie is a tense, claustrophobic battle of wits. What makes it interesting is just how many witty fuckers are battling it out, and in a number of arenas. With excellent pacing, the narrative jumps from character to character, each with their own agenda both within and without the robbery itself. Clive Owen and Denzel give fairly pedestrian performances, very in keeping with their usual roles. The star of the movie is Jodie Foster, who sears every scene she is in with intensity and venom. It doesn't hurt that she is absolutely gorgeous; shout out to hair, makeup, and wardrobe! She pulls off the Boss Bitch thing so incredibly well, it is almost a pleasure when she calls you a cunt and destroys your career. I highly recommend Inside Man for a great ensemble cast and a pointed script that portions out enough to do for all the talent. 

The Master (2012)
Rating: 6.5/10

Summary: Drunk loser and cult leader have an acting contest, everyone wins

In 2005, Paul Thomas Anderson was my favorite filmmaker. His first four movies were all favorites of varying degree: Hard Eight, Boogie Nights, Magnolia, and Punch-Drunk Love. I was in awe of the variety of tone in his movies, they all had a unique style and cadence and I loved them. In 2007, his new movie There Will Be Blood was released and I hated it. To make matters worse, everyone else loved it and lavished praise upon it. I was so annoyed and isolated by There Will Be Blood, I didn't even see his next three movies! It took thirteen unlucky years, but I was finally ready to move on, and his next film was 2012's The Master. I'm happy to say I absolutely loved it compared to There Will Be Blood, but it didn't measure up to my favorites of his. Joaquin Phoenix, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Amy Adams are essentially the only speaking actors, and really who else do you need? The film is a slow burn mediation on addiction, self-reliance, and trust. If you enjoy watching great acting for its own sake, I absolutely recommend the movie. If you're looking for more action, or really any action beyond people simmering with emotion, you may want to look elsewhere. 

One Hour Photo (2002)
Rating: 3.7/10
Summary: Ambiguously deranged photo clerk wears vest, acts scummy

I can't get over how much better this movie would have been if the main character had been played by Creed Bratton from The Office. This was a movie I completely ignored when it came out because Entertainment Weekly hated it, and they love everything. I think my roommates in college watched it but I was likely off being sexually frustrated. ANYWAY, yeah, this movie SUCKS. Even Robin Williams' performance felt flimsy, and his skeezy glances and smirks are all the movie has going. It's sort of jarring how little content the film has at a merciful 98 minutes, and once the concept of the narrative has been laid out early, the stakes are never meaningfully raised. The far superior 1993 Michael Douglas movie Falling Down explores a lot of the same themes with much more success. Avoid. 

Community: Season One (2009-2010)
Rating: 5.5/10

Summary: Hate almost every character, laugh at a few

We finally did it! After four failed attempts over the years, we managed to finish the first season of Community!! Let me be clear about something: if this show was centered on Señor Chang ("El Tigre Chino") I would have loved it. He was the only character that made me consistently laugh out loud. I don't think I ever once laughed at Annie, Britta, Troy, Abed, or Shirley. Jeff has some great insult comedy but I don't care what happens to him at all and I frequently wince when he shows up. So I guess Pierce is my favorite character? My favorite moment of season one was his "original" song, "Greendale's The Way It Goes"

The show has some great writing and it never drags, but when the jokes miss, my god... 

I'm so proud of us for finishing a season of a TV show! We've been assured by friends that the show gets better in season two; look for that review around 2030 😜

Enemy (2013)
Rating: 5.3/10

Summary: Double your pleasure, double your Gyllenhaal

It's always strange to see movies I've never heard of with big-name actors. I hadn't heard of this movie and I didn't really understand it when it was over. Of course it turned out it is a French-Canadian production, which explains everything. The movie is a seriously loose adaptation of a Jose Saramago book about two men who are physically identical but have different personalities, leading different lives. The cinematography, sound, and lighting are all top notch, so the movie is a pleasure to experience despite the thinness of the narrative and the dragging pace it dictates. I'm not too proud to say that I liked the movie a lot more after finding out from the internet what the fuck was going on, but I'd only recommend it to people who enjoy watching things at least twice. Finally, what's with how handsome Jake Gyllenhaal is?!?

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
Rating: 6.2/10

Summary: Script issues? Skip it and blow shit up!

You can tell from the cast that Arnold pocketed roughly 99% of this movie's budget and tossed what was left for the best boy, key grip, and Claire Danes to fight over in a puddle of motor oil and shame. Oh, and the director, screenwriter, and fucking caterer. It was surreal to see this movie came out in 2003, twelve years after Terminator 2. Can you imagine over a decade of prime milking time being squandered on a franchise of this size? It was such a long time I had to go on Google and make sure I wasn't missing something, because I know after this movie they started shitting out Terminator movies like so much kale smoothie. I am a big fan of the first two Terminator movies. I still remember how terrifying and uniquely futuristic the original movie was, and the second was a summer blockbuster that actually lived up to the hype. How on earth could a third movie pick up and forward the grand narrative of a beloved franchise? It can't. Instead, it provides one incredible action set piece after another, throttling the viewer through a pinball map of explosions, near misses, and cringeworthy one-liners. The movie has no time for exposition, and the little bit of narrative the film does put forward is undone by a zero sum plot device when the explosions are finally over. Set your standards to low and enjoy a movie that revels in its own lack of purpose. And how!

As always, thank you for reading some or all of this. Leave me a comment with what you've been watching recently, and kiss your pets for me!

-Jack, Doodlebug, Blubbu, and Sara