12: Johnny Bloggerseed (Microbiography, 1983-2009)
My name is John and I'm a blogger.
I was born on May 9th, 1983. Of course it was a Monday. My head was so big my mom needed a c-section. I've spent the past thirty-seven years trying to grow into that bulbous cranium. I was a very cute baby, resembling a cherubic Alfred Hitchcock. My dad called me "Shecky" after the Vegas comedian Shecky Greene. My sister, Josie, was three at the time and already an adult. We have a few cute pictures where she's eyeing me like a science fair exhibit. My parents named me John with the intention of calling me Jack. They didn't want to name me a nickname in case I became a professional. Heh.
I am a Taurus. I don't believe Astrology has any factual basis, but I do consistently and vividly connect to and reflect back the archetype of the Taurus. I was a bull even before I fell in love with the bovine race, quit eating beef, and spent all day wishing I was soaking up the sun in a field somewhere. While living in Thailand, I shared custody of a calf and was able to live the dream of having cows in my front and backyard. If you know I think I am a bull, you are already getting to know me well: I'm peaceful, simple, and very hard to move.
If you're into birthstones, I'm an emerald with focus energies of foresight, good fortune, and youth. As I approach forty, I'm two for three. Green is my favorite color. Now take your wu-wu crystals and get off my lawn!
Growing up, I was the class clown. My dad was a stand-up comedian and joke writer, among many other things, and he taught me that any idiot can yell and wave his arms for attention, but it takes skill to make someone laugh. I was yelling and waving my arms at the time so it didn't sink in for some time. I took a break from being the clown for one year, fifth grade, where I took school seriously just to prove to myself I could.
Just for fun, here's my rundown from Eisenhower Elementary:
AM Kindergarten: Mrs. Opychka: Class clown, lead role in "shows", lived for attention. Daily routine of getting home, dad would make me a tuna fish sandwich, and I'd watch Sesame Street.
First Grade: Mrs. Franz: Class clown but was a little more shy, some kids seemed older than me and that was really intimidating, did well in school but did not enjoy it much.
Second Grade: Mrs. Castner: Class clown, started making lots of friends in and around the neighborhood, first few times spending long periods of time at other people's houses, seeing how other people live, what people's parents were like compared to mine.
Third Grade: Mrs. Gay: Basically went completely crazy and was getting in trouble every day, completely lost interest in anything other than amusing myself and others, parents were at wits' end. Only thing I cared about was getting more rap CDs.
Fourth Grade: Mrs Gay and Ms. Clifford: Still a fireball but toned down, not just due to stricter parents and reward systems, started to believe in leprechauns, turned a corner creatively and my personality took a huge leap toward the "different" - into gangsta rap, horror movies.
Fifth Grade: Mrs. Maccoux: Focused on good grades and extracurriculars, very few friends but first "girlfriend" who actually liked me, loved reading and the fact that it pleased my poor battered parents.
By sixth grade, I was back to sitting in the hall for half my classes. In fact, sixth through twelfth grade was basically one long escalation of write-ups, referrals, suspensions, and teacher resignations. I wish I could say there was a complex web of emotions and socioeconomic factors informing my acting out, but I was just really horny. I would almost suggest doing away with co-ed high school but with kids these days that would probably only stir up more madness.
Sixth grade was when I first developed symptoms of anxiety disorders. By seventh grade I was having panic attacks before play performances and things like that. Despite that it was the happiest time of my life and I met basically all of my closest and best guy friends in middle school.
I was a total loser in love during sixth through tenth grade, and that had a huge impact on my ego. I still had the confidence to make friends, but I could see that I was in a different caste. I was always welcome with the popular groups because I was willing to literally put on a show for people, but when people split off to hold hands or fuck I was left holding the Bahama Mama Slushie and microwaved pretzel.
The first few years of high school were especially brutal because I had kids in grades above me trying to kick my ass on a weekly basis for having a smart mouth or being a shoulder to cry on for their girlfriend or whatever. It was all so stupid but my anxiety was through the roof. I want to say I got suspended twice a year every year of high school but it may have been more.
During that time, I was eating a lot, gaining weight, and not doing much of anything but playing computer games. I had a few part time jobs, one at a grocery store that I did really well at. I liked working in the grocery business and did it off and on for ten years.
At the end of my junior year of high school I became desperate, got in shape, updated my wardrobe, and got a girlfriend. She was the best possible girlfriend I could have had and we were together for a little over two really important years. We went to UW-Milwaukee together in July of 2001. I transferred to UW-Madison the following summer and we broke up a few months later. That messed me up badly, and because I wasn't capable of making new "friends", I started blogging.
Over the next six years, I would start and abandon a long series of blogs. Some were successful and some were not. Just of the ones I remember, I had: The Scarecrow Speaks, Too Bad About the Fire, Double Shotgun, Hell to Pay, Shooter McGavin, and Baby Teeth. I had a great set of supporters and acquaintances who loved the blog but I was still lonely, and not very happy. I had an on again/off again girlfriend who couldn't really stand me, a band that couldn't find a lead singer, and a big pile of empty peanut M&M bags stuffed between my mattress and the wall.
And that was college! I am incredibly grateful for my liberal education and the fact that it afforded me the opportunity to live with my high school friends for four incredible years, but I was a mess and I really didn't know what I was doing. After I graduated in 2005, I moved into retail management for a few years. It was miserable because I was miserable, eating Little Caesar's and watching shitty movies alone in my apartment. I got my cat in 2006 and that was by far the best that happened in my life 2002-2009. Without the few new friends that I did make in that period, including my future wife, there's no way I would have made it. I met my wife late in 2006. She was my trainer at a new job I started after I quit retail management, I thought for good. We hit it off right away and became friends, but we didn't start dating until much later.
In 2007 I had a complete mental breakdown after reading too much Kierkegaard. I went on a truly insane bender and wound up proposing to my ex-girlfriend. Once again, I thought I knew what I was doing because I knew what I wanted, regardless of whether it was possible. What a dangerous time, being tasked with adulthood way way before you're ready. If you're ever ready. By the time the mental breakdown was over at the end of 2009, I had moved back in and back out with my ex two more times, was once again working in retail management, and had a bull in a business suit tattooed on the side of my neck. There is no looking back or understanding; these years happened only because they had to happen and I'm fine with that.
At the end of 2009, I started dating my wife. I became a much different, happier person. The ten years I've been with my wife haven't felt like a second chapter, they have felt like a completely different story. The main themes of my story before I met my wife were victimhood, superiority, and frustration. My story with my wife has been about gratitude, acceptance, and cats. It's really just much better.
I will continue that story in microform when the time feels right. Thank you for reading some or all of this and please leave me a comment if you have time :)
A stunningly plump potato with hands
"In somebody else's body, in someone else's head."
If you're into birthstones, I'm an emerald with focus energies of foresight, good fortune, and youth. As I approach forty, I'm two for three. Green is my favorite color. Now take your wu-wu crystals and get off my lawn!
Growing up, I was the class clown. My dad was a stand-up comedian and joke writer, among many other things, and he taught me that any idiot can yell and wave his arms for attention, but it takes skill to make someone laugh. I was yelling and waving my arms at the time so it didn't sink in for some time. I took a break from being the clown for one year, fifth grade, where I took school seriously just to prove to myself I could.
Just for fun, here's my rundown from Eisenhower Elementary:
AM Kindergarten: Mrs. Opychka: Class clown, lead role in "shows", lived for attention. Daily routine of getting home, dad would make me a tuna fish sandwich, and I'd watch Sesame Street.
First Grade: Mrs. Franz: Class clown but was a little more shy, some kids seemed older than me and that was really intimidating, did well in school but did not enjoy it much.
Second Grade: Mrs. Castner: Class clown, started making lots of friends in and around the neighborhood, first few times spending long periods of time at other people's houses, seeing how other people live, what people's parents were like compared to mine.
Third Grade: Mrs. Gay: Basically went completely crazy and was getting in trouble every day, completely lost interest in anything other than amusing myself and others, parents were at wits' end. Only thing I cared about was getting more rap CDs.
What's not to love here? Notice the homemade N.W.A. poster 😕😕😕
Fourth Grade: Mrs Gay and Ms. Clifford: Still a fireball but toned down, not just due to stricter parents and reward systems, started to believe in leprechauns, turned a corner creatively and my personality took a huge leap toward the "different" - into gangsta rap, horror movies.
Fifth Grade: Mrs. Maccoux: Focused on good grades and extracurriculars, very few friends but first "girlfriend" who actually liked me, loved reading and the fact that it pleased my poor battered parents.
By sixth grade, I was back to sitting in the hall for half my classes. In fact, sixth through twelfth grade was basically one long escalation of write-ups, referrals, suspensions, and teacher resignations. I wish I could say there was a complex web of emotions and socioeconomic factors informing my acting out, but I was just really horny. I would almost suggest doing away with co-ed high school but with kids these days that would probably only stir up more madness.
Sixth grade was when I first developed symptoms of anxiety disorders. By seventh grade I was having panic attacks before play performances and things like that. Despite that it was the happiest time of my life and I met basically all of my closest and best guy friends in middle school.
I still associate this image with failure, rejection, and nausea.
"Stare into the eyes. Stare into the teeth. That's why I don't go out at night."
The first few years of high school were especially brutal because I had kids in grades above me trying to kick my ass on a weekly basis for having a smart mouth or being a shoulder to cry on for their girlfriend or whatever. It was all so stupid but my anxiety was through the roof. I want to say I got suspended twice a year every year of high school but it may have been more.
During that time, I was eating a lot, gaining weight, and not doing much of anything but playing computer games. I had a few part time jobs, one at a grocery store that I did really well at. I liked working in the grocery business and did it off and on for ten years.
This was at my roundest, polishing off a 2-liter of Mountain Dew and a literal bucket of cookie dough in just a few "squishings"
At the end of my junior year of high school I became desperate, got in shape, updated my wardrobe, and got a girlfriend. She was the best possible girlfriend I could have had and we were together for a little over two really important years. We went to UW-Milwaukee together in July of 2001. I transferred to UW-Madison the following summer and we broke up a few months later. That messed me up badly, and because I wasn't capable of making new "friends", I started blogging.
The wild days and endless nights of a blogger. As close to royalty as a white American can get.
Over the next six years, I would start and abandon a long series of blogs. Some were successful and some were not. Just of the ones I remember, I had: The Scarecrow Speaks, Too Bad About the Fire, Double Shotgun, Hell to Pay, Shooter McGavin, and Baby Teeth. I had a great set of supporters and acquaintances who loved the blog but I was still lonely, and not very happy. I had an on again/off again girlfriend who couldn't really stand me, a band that couldn't find a lead singer, and a big pile of empty peanut M&M bags stuffed between my mattress and the wall.
August, 2006 - First few nights in my post-graduate bachelor pad/pizza box totem of shame
And that was college! I am incredibly grateful for my liberal education and the fact that it afforded me the opportunity to live with my high school friends for four incredible years, but I was a mess and I really didn't know what I was doing. After I graduated in 2005, I moved into retail management for a few years. It was miserable because I was miserable, eating Little Caesar's and watching shitty movies alone in my apartment. I got my cat in 2006 and that was by far the best that happened in my life 2002-2009. Without the few new friends that I did make in that period, including my future wife, there's no way I would have made it. I met my wife late in 2006. She was my trainer at a new job I started after I quit retail management, I thought for good. We hit it off right away and became friends, but we didn't start dating until much later.
Memaw Bubbu the White: "The Best Thing That Happened in the World 2002-2009"
In 2007 I had a complete mental breakdown after reading too much Kierkegaard. I went on a truly insane bender and wound up proposing to my ex-girlfriend. Once again, I thought I knew what I was doing because I knew what I wanted, regardless of whether it was possible. What a dangerous time, being tasked with adulthood way way before you're ready. If you're ever ready. By the time the mental breakdown was over at the end of 2009, I had moved back in and back out with my ex two more times, was once again working in retail management, and had a bull in a business suit tattooed on the side of my neck. There is no looking back or understanding; these years happened only because they had to happen and I'm fine with that.
When a book hits you so hard you propose to your ex-girlfriend 😱😱😱
It never looked close to this good again but my buddy has always been there for me. No regerts.
At the end of 2009, I started dating my wife. I became a much different, happier person. The ten years I've been with my wife haven't felt like a second chapter, they have felt like a completely different story. The main themes of my story before I met my wife were victimhood, superiority, and frustration. My story with my wife has been about gratitude, acceptance, and cats. It's really just much better.
June 2010 💓💗💙💚💛💜
I will continue that story in microform when the time feels right. Thank you for reading some or all of this and please leave me a comment if you have time :)
Comments
Post a Comment