7: Quarantine Media Review, Part Two of ??

I joked in part one of what will surely be a thirty part series that I was relying on Netflix's viewing history to keep all the garbage (and fine art) we've been watching straight in my donkey brain. As I prepped for today's edition, I actually needed help from Google to identify some of the titles. I consider myself a professional couch potato slash brilliant aesthete and I'm still taken aback by just how good and just how bad popular media is, and these few selections reflect that.

For me it is becoming less frequent that something will actually move me emotionally or impress from a creative standpoint. That's actually a good thing because back in the day I couldn't watch something like Big Momma's House without getting emotional or too horny...or whatever. Now what I'm looking for is stuff to succeed or fail on its own terms, and things are more enjoyable when I only expect distraction rather than any kind of fulfillment or, god forbid, happiness.

The Dawn Wall (2017)
Rating: 5.5/10

Summary: Modern man lives out simian destiny, shocks world

I have seen several episodes of American Ninja Warrior, so I thought I had a pretty good idea about what to expect from this movie. But it turns out that without pyrotechnics and spinning foam obstacles, even the most extreme form of rock climbing is a mostly quiet, slow, painful process. Makes for a great movie! The movie is able to just barely draw out the smallest semblance of a personality from the stoic "hero" of the film, which is sort of the point. When the villain of your movie is a mountain, everybody loses - except the highly evolved mega-ape who traded his ability to feel emotion for apex level pedidexterity. 

Oculus (2014)
Rating: 6.3/10

Summary: Creepy, well-paced, totally ridiculous

My wife is always suggesting horror movies that she hopes will be scary but, in her words, "not TOO scary!" I think someone recommended this one to her, and I'm glad they did because it was WAY too scary for her! This movie is about an evil mirror (I know, I know) and the brother and sister that team up to destroy it. It has a silly concept but the actual execution (heh) of the premise is well done; the darkest aspects of the film are seriously warped and disturbing. I was impressed with some of the visual effects and one gimmick involving the hallucinations was SERIOUSLY scary. Modestly recommended for fans of horror and mirror-centric storytelling. 

The Platform (2019)
Rating: 5.6/10

Summary: Moralistic thriller, tiny idea stretched to breaking point, appetite suppressant

You know a movie has a small focus when you can't even describe its premise without spoiling it. This is a Spanish thriller/horror/afterschool special about sharing that was relentlessly recommended to us until we caved in just to get it off our list. The set design and wardrobe is great and the film has a uniquely grimey and aged feel. The only way the movie is able to stretch its concept to ninety minutes is with long, tense segments of suspenseful suggestion and dread. Very few things happen, but what does happen is captivating enough if you're into creepy stuff or currently reading Don Quixote. 

The Girl With All the Gifts (2016)
Rating: 6.0/10

Summary: Zombies, children, zombie children

I heard about this very weird movie from Flick Connection, a great YouTube channel that, among other things, puts up a monthly video highlighting what movies and TV shows will be leaving Netflix at the end of the month and what will be added. I highly recommend the channel and really like how the host will be clear what movies are actually good and what are just worth putting on in the background. This movie was unfortunately somewhat in-between the two and simultaneously bored me to tears with its lack of action and kept me interested in its concept. The titular girl is a very special cannibalistic zombie; the kind that is somehow immune to the fungal infection that completely fucked the rest of humanity. If you're anything like my wife, and you'll eat up anything zombie/post-apocalyptic with a radiated cannibal's spoon, you'll get an ever so slight 6.0/10 kick of out this. 

Hoarders - Season Ten (2019)
Rating: 6.5/10

Summary: Schadenfreude, confusion, sadness, redemption, garage sales

Not to brag, but I've been debasing myself with reality TV for over twenty years now. I've been watching Hoarders from the beginning. There's something incredibly cleansing about ignoring your own problems by reveling in the problems of others, and this show has that concept down pat. I feel like of all the reality shows, Hoarders has something for everyone; emotional redemption, psychological insights, decluttering - even some "Antiques Roadshow in Hell" style appraising. The show is visually gross and the almost vaudevillian sound cues will naseaute you if the visuals don't, but it does such a great job of delivering on its premise and eliciting a gut reaction that we can't help but keep watching. And our apartment feels like paradise after just one episode!

The House At the End of the Street (2012)
Rating: 1.9/10

Summary: You'd get better writing if you puked in a fountain pen and mailed it to the monkey house

There was a period that seems to be well over now where Jennifer Lawrence was required to be in every movie. The result is that I'm constantly finding new J-Law movies I've never even heard of. Why am I constantly finding new J-Law movies? Well, if you must know, my wife has a rather dignified lady boner for Ms. Lawrence, and anything good for my lady's lady boner is good for mine. I think? Regardless, even a glistening, toned, tank topped golden goddess of a J-Law couldn't save this dead on arrival "thriller." During the first half of the movie, you're not quite sure what to think because so little is explained and the characters rehash the same few story points repeatedly. It isn't until the second half of the movie you realize this wasn't to create suspense or lay out needed exposition, it was because the movie itself had no fucking clue what was going on. There's something postmodern about recommending a bad movie because the ending is so bad it makes the rest of the movie seem good, but surely that's where we're at. 

Chernobyl (2019)
Rating: 7.6/10

Summary: Zombies, children, zombie children

...and with Chernobyl we gleefully swing on the pop-culture-quality pendulum back to real art and expression. This miniseries succeeded masterfully as an admittedly simplified lesson in history and radiochemistry, which would certainly appeal to some people; but what made it most impressive was how it stood on its own as a dramatic narrative. If you can forgive the silly and oddly varied accents of the Soviet characters, the acting is tender and measured. There's a key effort not to turn anyone into a caricature, and while there are very clear heroes and villains, the winners and losers of the film are much harder to identify. I would recommend this to everyone. 

As usual, thanks for reading some or all of this! Leave me a comment with what you've been watching/loving/hating recently - and happy quarantining :) 

-Jack